Thursday, October 13


The next day I found myself again in the music centre, giving a solo performance to a solo audience member, only this time the situation was quite different..

He played the piano, strong fingers, expressive, punctuated by frustrated french: 'un catastrophe!' 'i need my "partitions"!' I did not feel he was putting on a show.

Then it was my turn. And I hope he did not think I was putting on a show. But I was. Sneaking glances through the reflection on the piano, seeing his reaction to my singing; making sure i sat straight so my body looked appealing, twirling my voice in exra-cute ways; using the songs to make myself seem like a girl he'd want to fall in love with. It was a performance, and a very specific one. And the act did not stop when the music stopped. The chatting, the flirtation, the musical chairs that we played as we alternated who played for who, my carefully picked out 'costume' and repertoire. My mock-embarassment and reluctance to sing for him, when in fact i had no problem doing it and no doubt i would eventually begin --- with so much performance in everyday interaction, how can I expect to develop an actual performance where i am not performing* - i would need to absolutely not care what people think of me, because the moment you care (and flirtation is of course the most extreme case of caring what people think of you), you start acting - i do, at least... or maybe, if i do an anti-performance performance, its only because i want people to think 'wow, she's just herself on the stage' - which is also a constructed image... errrghhhhh..

*I'm not thinking of doing a whole show of non-performance, im just hoping to achieve/ reach this for a final song, maybe. Maybe.

i'm playing a dangerous game here, interweaving my private life and this project, but once you start thinking about things from a certain perspective, everything seems relevant. Now, the question is, do i give the French boy this blogspot address or not>?!